


insert super cool words here

by valerian_valentine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Feelings Jams, Fluff, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Vomiting, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Weed, dick moves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: “Don’t fuckin’ ask me questions right now, my brain can’t handle it. Is my puke actually magenta or am I just fuckin’ hallucinating?” Dirk groaned in response, giving his puke a mournful and severely confused look like this was a puzzle that fucked his wife and culled him a cuck while doing it and he wasn’t gonna do shit besides make that bottom face and ask the puzzle to please stop fucking his wife but the puzzle wasn’t going to comply, it was going to keep fucking his wife literally all over the house and drink his beer and basically raise his kids as the cool uncle that sometimes comes over and wrestles with mommy while daddy cries. Oh, wait, Dirk asked a question.Or, Dave has ADHD and Dirk has relationship problems.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Dirk Strider, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 13
Kudos: 73





	insert super cool words here

Dave wasn’t sure when this started but to be fair, he never really knew when things started. Despite being a Knight of Time, he never really seemed to have a good grasp on it or concept of it. Ten minutes could feel like ten years, ten years could feel like ten minutes, it all depended on how entertained he was feeling.

But that wasn’t exactly important at the moment. What was important right now was making sure Dirk's hair didn’t get in his face while he puked a good gallon or so into his nasty toilet. Man, he really needed to clean the house soon, this was a disgrace. But, that also wasn’t important right now. Dirk had been throwing up for a few minutes now and it was starting to make him worry about what kind of shit he ate to make him this sick. Dirk was never this sick- Well, that was a lie. When Dirk did get sick, it hit him  _ hard _ . Guy gets a case of the sniffles and can’t leave his bed for a whole month. Well, guess that's what happens when you’re not exposed to people or different germs in your teen years. Zero immune system.

But something told Dave that Dirk didn’t exactly eat anything harming to his body, more so just.. Took something harming to his body. He knew Dirk had been hitting a hard spot lately and it would make sense if he ‘self medicated’ but it just didn’t seem like Dirk to just take something without knowing exactly how it was going to affect his body… Okay, that is something Dirk would do but only if he had a few drinks in him and was really in the dumps but Dave couldn’t smell an ounce of alcohol on him and Dirk hadn’t been feeling that bad lately and Dirk really wasn’t the type to do hard drugs like coke or heroin.. Were those the same thing? Wait, no, cocaine was a powder and heroin was a crystal.. Right? He’d google it later, that would be important information to tell Karkat later.

Oh right, he was doing something.

“Dude, what the fuck did you take?” He asked his ecto…. Brother? Dad? Cousin? He’ll just settle on sib from another crib except the crib is a test tube.

“Don’t fuckin’ ask me questions right now, my brain can’t handle it. Is my puke actually magenta or am I just fuckin’ hallucinating?” Dirk groaned in response, giving his puke a mournful and severely confused look like this was a puzzle that fucked his wife and culled him a cuck while doing it and he wasn’t gonna do shit besides make that bottom face and ask the puzzle to please stop fucking his wife but the puzzle wasn’t going to comply, it was going to keep fucking his wife literally all over the house and drink his beer and basically raise his kids as the cool uncle that sometimes comes over and wrestles with mommy while daddy cries. Oh, wait, Dirk asked a question.

“Ehh… I’d say it’s the color of mushed up food. So, kinda brown, kinda tan, chunky but not really chunky. You must be hella hydrated dude, proud of you for that. Wait, why are you hallucinating? When was the last time you slept?” Man, he sounded like a mom. He’d be a pretty sexy mom though, a total milf and that's all that matters.

Dirk sighed, gagging a couple of times before he managed to get a breather, his shoulders shaking. “Took some weed, didn’t feel anything, took some more and it kinda hit me pretty hard. Felt like my skin was vibrating and I think I understand what it’s like to rapidly jump from timeline to timeline extremely fast.” He explained, bracing his arms on the seat of the toilet.

“Oh yeah, that’ll make you puke. Time does some weird ass shit to the brain, I’m telling you. Not in, like, the mental way but I’m pretty sure I’ve puked multiple times after time travelling. Also, felt the skin vibrating, that’s just straight up funny though. Uh. Anyway. Why’d you smoke the devils lettuce, my guy?”

Dirk sighed again, slowly moving away from the toilet, apparently done for now, his face red from how hard he was throwing up and Dave already knew he was going to have red spots around his eyes for a couple of days. “I’ve been having a couple of… Issues with Jake. Again. Fuck, it’s so stupid, we’re both adults! Why can’t our problems just fucking poof?” He leaned back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling, a bit of drool in the corner of his mouth. Or vomit. Hard to tell.

“Man, I wish that's how it worked…. Well, not really, I think that would suck because if I never worked out my problems with Karkat then we wouldn’t know anything about each other, like nothing and then we’d be pretty boring people. Like… White, straight, middle class people. We’d be sooo boring and, frankly, I just don’t vibe with that, dawg.”

Dirk scoffed and tilted his head down, looking at Dave with one eyebrow raised. “You were doing so well with the vibes but then you just had to ruin it with the dawg. Dude, that was so cri-” Dirk slapped a hand over his mouth, his other hand going to his stomach and he squeezed his eyes shut. Turns out, instant karma was a thing.

“I can’t help but feel like you deserve that wave.” He confessed, grabbing his soft, white cat headband from the counter and handed it over to Dirk. “Use this to hold back your hair, I’ll go grab you some water.” He got up, making sure Dirk was okay with him leaving before he walked out of the smelly bathroom and into their smelly kitchen. Maybe he should invest in some febreeze or, like, hire a cleaning lady.. Or he could just get his act together and clean but that shit wasn’t happening any time soon.

He stood in the middle of the kitchen, looking around, trying to figure out why he went in there. It was something really important, he knew it but he just couldn’t put his finger on it… Oh, he should probably unload the dishwasher before Karkat got home. Load it too, he’d like that. Well, if he’s going to go ahead and unload then load it, he should just go ahead and do all the dishes, let Karkat put away the clean ones. He got started, collecting dirty dishes from around the kitchen and even the living room, letting his mind wonder as he collected the glasses and plates. Man, they were messy people.

Wasn’t Dirk saying he was having issues with Jake again? Wonder what they were, probably just a miscommunication or something like that. Or Dirk managed to get himself worked up about all the stuff Jake didn’t do. Well, it was more likely that Dirk managed to dig himself into another self loathing hole. He did that a lot, just like he managed to boost his own ego up a whole bunch. Man, having those types of confidence issues must be tiring.. Well, he knew it was tiring. He was usually the one to see the confidence drops and the spikes. It was always small changes but they made him look like a completely different person every time. In his low moments, he always wore baggy clothing, he never seemed to wash his face or brush his teeth nearly as much as he should, he was quiet and not nearly as talkative as he usually was and at night, that’s when it all got worse. He’s seen Dirk work himself down and down, he could practically read his mind while it happened and it always hurt his heart to see his ecto bro suffer so much but to be fair, his heart ached every time he saw a snail stomped on the sidewalk. Curse his big ol heart.

Half way through unloading the dishwasher, he heard Dirk throw up again and frowned. Poor guy, got mixed up with the wrong crowd and took the wrong drugs. Chose the red pill and boy did it backfire hard-

He was supposed to be getting Dirk some water.

He quickly grabbed a clean glass and filled it up with ice then water from the fridge, his anxiety filling up his throat and making it constrict but he forced himself to take even and steady breaths. This was okay, he just forgot for a little bit, Dirk wouldn’t be too upset. He carried the glass to the bathroom, flinching when he was met with his brother's icy glare. “Mayhaps I have a couple of memory issues.” He admitted guiltily and handed over the cup, sitting down on the dirty floor with him.

“Yeah, no fucking shit Sherlock! I’ve been waiting for fucking twenty fucking minutes for you to get your dumb fucking ass over here with some damn water because I’m puking my guts out but what were you doing? Not fucking what I needed! God, how stupid can you get, Dave? Huh? How the fucking hell can Karkat even put up with you, you can’t even get someone a glass of fucking water without spacing out like a fucking- fucking- like a fucking farm animal! Actually, no, you can train farm animals to do basic tasks! You’re a goat, Dave. You’re a fucking goat. You get yourself killed all the damn time and need a fucking dog to herd you around so you don’t end up injuring yourself.” Dirk rambled, clearly upset at other things and this was just the breaking point but jeez, if it didn’t hurt his feelings.

“Okay, ouch? A goat, really? Dude, you do not want to get into an argument with me today, okay? You’re in no shape to look intellectual and you literally just told me you were having issues with Jake again so I'm pretty sure I have the high ground here. Get your anger in check, then speak because otherwise, I’m taking you back to Jake so you can let your anger out where it belongs.” He crossed his arms, feeling his heart pound against his ribcage. Standing up for himself was getting a lot easier but it still gave him anxiety. He was so going to tell Karkat about this, he was going to be so proud that he managed to stand up to Dirk and his poorly placed rage.

Dirk took a couple of deep breaths, drinking his water as he tried to calm down and keep himself in check. “I’m sorry, I’m just…. Stressed out and high and everything is going fucking wild so I guess I got a bit snappy. Sorry. Thank you for the water, I didn’t mean to compare you to a goat and I know you have issues with focusing on things sometimes.”

Dave nodded, resting his shoulder on the cabinets below the sink. “Thank you. Wanna talk about why you’re being bitchy? Don’t even try to deny it, you are being so fuckin’ bitchy that I’m surprised you aren’t barkin’ at me.” He joked, smiling at his ecto bro. “We can sit on the couch and stare at the T.V., I’ll even grab you a little plastic bag to puke into.” He got back up, his knees protesting a bit and held his hand out to Dirk who took it after a moment of hesitation, needing a lot of assistance to just stand up. Whatever he took, he must’ve taken wayyy too much. While Dirk washed his mouth out over the sink, Dave flushed the toilet for him and handed him a few squares of toilet paper so he could wipe the snot off his face. Striders were not neat thrower uppers. Pukers? Vomiters? Projectile Vomitus. Sounds like a cool band or like, a really cool demon or something demons did. He’ll ask Rose about that later. She knew demon shit right? Probably. 

He made his way to the living room, trusting Dirk to walk by himself and get himself cleaned up while he grabbed a couple of soft blankets to cuddle into for ultimate feeling jam madness. He even threw away the various pieces of trash on their coffee table because he was a good host. The couch was prepped for a good feelings jam in record time, soft pillows and soft blankets on every surface so there was ultimate comfort everywhere, the fan and AC was on full blast since they both preferred to be a bit chilly, there was even a couple glasses of ice water on the coffee table just in case they both ended up crying which was very likely yet not likely at all. Their feeling jam sessions were usually hit or miss and he guessed they never missed, huh.

“Old meme Dave, pull yourself together..” He mumbled to himself, fluffing a pillow for no reason other than to have something to do with his hands and let himself sink into his thoughts, trying to see if there was anything else they would need. Water, soft things, blankets, hmm… He snapped his fingers once he realized what was missing and grabbed the remote to the T.V., turning on YouTube. Man, technology was amazing. The new YouTube was so much better than the old one. Or, not the old one, his one which was technically the old one but not really. Either way, this was the better version. He pulled up some Game Grumps episodes that they could play in the background just to have something to listen to while they thought and discussed their feelings. He went ahead and grabbed his word search books as well as his crossword puzzles. Karkat hated the fact he could do crosswords and listen to the T.V. at the same time without getting overwhelmed and Dirk thought it was awesome so point Dave. Suck it, Karkat. Wait, no, don’t, Karkat was amazing and beautiful and it was always super cute when he tried to do two things at once. Cute little horrible multitasker.

“Dave, you’re talking about Karkats lack of multitasking again.” Dirk's voice startled him, making him jump a bit but he recovered quickly. 

“Oh. Sweet, good looking out, Karkats has been sensitive about that lately because he caught me listening to music and watching T.V. while I crocheted him a new sweater. Can’t help the fact I love consuming entertainment.” He shrugged, letting himself fall back on the couch after clapping his hands. “Doctor Dave is in! So, what kinda situation is this? One were I actually need to listen or can I just space the fuck out while you get everything off ya chest?” He questioned, watching Dirk sit on the couch next to him. He looked like a big wreck and the way he squinted reminded Dave to turn on the LED lights.

He grabbed the light remote and got up, flipping the light switch off before he turned on the LED lights, switching the colors to a soft blue. Dave didn’t really think he looked good in blue lighting but it didn’t strain his eyes like regular lights and it helped him chill out. Light stimulus was the absolute worst in his opinion, he preferred noise.

Dirk relaxed once he turned on the blue lights and brought his knees to his chest, staring at the bright tv which emitted a bright light, yes, but the orange tones on screen made it so much easier to deal with. God bless the Game Grumps for settling on a nice orange for their design. “Thanks dude, thought I was gonna have to decapitate myself.” He tried joking but only earned a glare from Dave. “Uh. Right. You don’t have to listen if you don’t want to but I kinda just… I know what I need to do but I need to rant about the shit that happened then have someone else tell me what I need to do.” He explained, grabbing one of the soft blankets and wrapped it around his shoulders, holding his glass between his knees.

Dave nodded and sat back down on the couch, spreading out as he hugged one of the squishy pillows. “Go for it dude, I’m all ears. Like…. Like fuckin’ Iowa. Just miles and mile of corn, nothin’ but corn. Even the people are corn, it’s just all corn and ears and it’s fucking horrific.”

“Sounds horrific.”

“Iowa is scary. Can’t trust people who are always around fields of corn, that’ll do something to you.”

“Fair. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. So, I… Fuck, it’s so stupid. I was working on some shit for fun, just some digital art and Jake was pissed off at me for something, I can’t remember, so he…” Dirk sighed, running a hand through his hair. “He unplugged my shit before I could save it all and two days of work went down the drain. I wasn’t even that invested in the projects but we ended up in a screaming match and then I just… Left. Haven’t talked to him in two days, haven’t slept in my own bed for a week and now I feel like I’m being hunted down by Jake and everyone else because everyone is in my business now, apparently! Couldn’t even sleep over and Roxys house because she wanted me to talk shit over with Jake which I know it a good idea but I just- Why the fuck did he have to drag everyone into our bullshit and why did everyone seem to take it upon themselves to keep me in check?! I’m a fucking adult, this is my problem, let me have my fucking tantrum so I can just let out all this shit and then I’ll get back to Jake because if I don’t unload, I’ll just keep being pissed and I’ll end up trying to get revenge or something.” Dirk rambled, tearing up a couple of times, clearly frustrated and pissed off. 

Dave just nodded and listened while he tried to find the word ‘divorce’ in a jumble of letters. “I think everyone is being too hard on you. Sometimes dudes just gotta throw a hissy fit.”

“Right?! God, I’m just so sick and tired of him dragging everyone into our shit! It’s like he doesn’t trust me to be an adult and take care of myself anymore! It’s like he expects me to go out and get drunk off my ass just to make him feel guilty! Like, yeah, I used to do that dumb shit but I’m better now and it’s like he refuses to see that! It’s not fair! I understand that he’s not the guy he used to be, he doesn’t avoid his problems anymore but he still thinks I’m the asshole I used to be and it just… It hurts because I worked so  _ hard _ to get where I am now and it feels like no one is acknowledging that! I’m trying so damn hard and it’s just not fair that no one is noticing how much I’ve changed. And-.....” Dirk paused for a moment, staring at the screen, mumbling along to the words. “- who the fuck invited facebook and then, in all capitol letters, two hours later, MARK ZUCKERBERG!” He recited along with the video, smiling to himself. “Man, I fucking love that one… But anyway, it’s just hard and he’s been difficult lately and it’s just…. He’s been so frustrating! He’s always irritated and he keeps trying to seem like he’s hinting at something but then he fucking doesn’t because he still thinks I can read his mind, apparently and he still sucks at saying what he wants and he’s just- so fucking infuriating.”

Dave nodded, looking up. “I think he wants you to fuck him.”

Dirk stared at him for a good few seconds before gesturing for him to go on. “Keep going, don’t just stop on that wonderful note.”

“Well, some guys get cranky when they’re horny so maybe he just wants to get really fucked or maybe he’s trying to get you super pissed so you can have angry sex. That’s what I used to do with Karkat before we established that getting him angry like that was really emotionally and mentally exhausting so we made up our own cues and such for when I wanna get absolutely railed like Karkat wanted to personal tear my guts out through my ass with only his bulge but in a way were neither of us get actually frustrated or pissy at each other. Really, you two just gotta talk it out.” He explained, talking about his sex life casually. Man. Karkat was probably gonna be upset that he shared that personal note of their lives… He’ll talk about it later with him, make sure it was okay and if it wasn’t, apologize. Man. He was really grateful that he and Karkat were at least mediocre about talking about their feelings, being as emotionally constipated as Dirk sounded exhausting.

“.... Huh. Sometimes I forget how fuckin’ smart you are. Remind me to buy you and Karkat dinner if you turn out to be right.”

Before Dave could write that down on his arm, the front door unlocked and opened. He felt a bit proud of himself that he didn’t get that familiar spike of anxiety he used to get when people opened the front door. He’ll brag about that to Karkat later, maybe John too. Instead, he gasped and made grabby hands at the door. “Kitkat!” He cheered, trying to keep his body from doing happy wiggles.

Karkat shuffled inside and kicked the door closed behind him, grabbing his shoes and taking them off before he made his way into the living room where he immediately went over to Dave and kissed his head, smiling when he was grabbed at. “Dave, mind telling me why Dirk is here and why his lovely friends have been spamming my phone with questions about him?” 

Dave grabbed the back of Karkats shirt the second he could, just holding on while he heard Dirk grumble. “He’s having an argument with Jake again, Jake doesn’t think Dirk can handle himself when he’s upset so he dragged  _ our _ friends into this. Just tell everyone that if they want to know where Dirk is, they’re all perfectly capable to ask him themselves and if he doesn’t feel like answering, then well, tough shit.” He couldn’t help but make his words sound sweet. It was something that always happened when Karkat was around. His voice got higher and he found himself practically cooing to Karkat at the end of every sentence. He couldn’t help it, he loved the big guy.

Karkat nodded and kissed Dave's head again before gently grabbing his wrists in his big hands, making him let go of his shirt which made him pout. “Sounds like a real fuckshow. Did you two figure it out?”

“Yeah, Dave figured it out first. He thinks Jake wants to get hate fucked.” Dirk said bluntly, unaffected by all the affection Karat and Dave were exchanging. At first, he cringed at it but now, years later, he was used to it.

Karkat froze, his big eyebrows furrowing and he opened and closed his mouths a few times before he just nodded. “Yeah okay, I’m just not gonna ask about it. Are you staying for dinner? I don’t think we have enough ingredients for a third person but I’m sure I can make it fuckin’ work and if not, have fun starving and you should feel ashamed that you didn’t call and warn me ahead of time you were staying for dinner, you motherfucker.” Karkat managed to say in a neutral tone, making Dave snort. He loved it when Karkat faked being upset for comedic effect.

“Nah, think I’m gonna head out but because you’re such a bitch, I threw up in your bathroom and it’s going to stink in there for, oh, a couple of days and I always used your toothbrush.” Dirk wasn’t fazed by Karkats fake anger, getting up and chugging the rest of his water before he made his way to the door, grabbing his shades on the way out.

“Wait- Did he actually-”

“Bye Dirk, have fun! Don’t forget you owe us dinner if my plan works!” Dave interrupted, waving happily to his brother. “Take care of yourself or else.”

Dirk nodded, waving as he walked out with his shoes in his hand like the weird fucker he was. The guy liked walking around barefoot, said it was just more comfortable for him but man, was it weird.

Karkat glared down at him, crossing his arms. “You did not let that fucker puke in our bathroom, did you? Dave, it’s gonna fuckin’ smell like Bug Bell and shitty junk food for days!” Karkat complained, throwing his hands up in the air for dramatic affect. 

Dave just smiled up at him, feeling his heart swell in his chest. Fuck, he loved this man. “I’ll clean it in a little bit, the guy just took too much weed and ended up puking, poor dude. Besides, it isn’t the first time he’s puked in our house. At least this time it wasn’t in the sink, you know we didn’t have a garbage disposal that time but hey, what a way to get a free garbage disposal, huh? I’m thinking we poison him and get him to puke in our dishwasher next, I’d love it if he could make us a new one.”

Karkat rolled his eyes and sat down on the couch next to him, dragging him into his lap. “Fuck no, he’d probably add some stupid and violent setting to it, like a kill mode or have it randomly shoot water at us. You know, he made it so our fuckin’ sink shred metal, right? He put his shitty katana in it once and boom, shit was gone! I don’t even wanna know what he’ll do to our dishwasher.” Karkat complained but Dave was getting distracted by his pretty grey skin and oops, there goes his mouth, right on Karkats pretty cheek! Hm. Darn.

“Honestly, I think a dishwasher with a kill mode would be awesome, you’re just jelly that I came up with the idea to poison him before you did and I know for a fact you really want a new dishwasher.” He grinned, wrapping his arms around Karkats neck before he went back to his word search, looking for ‘pumpernickel’.

“I would like a new dishwasher and a free one would be nice…. But poisoning people is bad and we aren’t fucking bad people.” Karkat tried to reason with him, putting his big troll hands on his hips and all logic flew out the window as he melted in his strong fiance's arms.

“Mmmm…. Big strong grey man make brain happy…” Dave smiled, nuzzling Karkats hair, taking a deep breath of his shampoo while his stomach pressed against Karkat’s much softer one. God bless whoever decided to give Karkat some pudge, he would die without it. Soft belly made Dave a happy boy.

Karkat chuckled under him, making the two of them bounce a little bit, his big arms wrapping around his small waist. “You turn into fucking mud every time I get my hands on you, it’s ridiculous. It’s like you’ve lost all your bones, how do you do that?” 

Dave gave him a half hearted shrug and set his word search and pencil aside, wiggling around in Karkats lap until he found himself the perfect cuddling position. His head rested on Karkats shoulder, facing his neck so he could keep getting that good Vantas smell while his hands rested on his big biceps, squeezing and massaging the big muscle there. He loved the fact his fiance was built like a fucking viking. Pounds of muscle hidden under layers of soft fat, he was made to fight and build houses and make love. He used to joke about that but he genuinely believed it now, there was no other way Karkat was so fucking good at sex.

“Dave, sweetie, you’re rambling again.” Karkats rumbly voice brought him back to the present and he couldn’t even bring himself to be embarrassed about getting caught rambling about how good Karkat was at fucking him.

“You’re like a viking.” He blurted out, smiling once he realized that made no sense without context but there was no way he was going to give him context.

“Fucking  _ what?  _ What did Dirk fucking give you? Jesus fucking my lusus, what the fuck is a viking? Is that like a mountain climber? God, you are so fucking ridiculous, why the fuck did-” Dave felt his eyelids get heavier and heavier as Karkat rambled, his loud and rumbly voice soothing him more than anything else in the world. He loved him, he adored him, he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life and then some with him.

Karkat Vantas was the light of his life and he was so lucky he could live with a guy as amazing as him, he was so lucky that Karkat loved him too. There was nothing in the world that could compare to being in Karkats arms and listening to him ramble on and on about how dumb he was and then listen to him simmer down and talk about his day, what kind of idiots he ran into. He loved the fact Karkat always spoke his mind, always told him exactly what he was feeling at all times. There was no guessing when it came to Karkat and that just made him fall even further in love with the guy.

He loved how understanding he was too. The way he didn’t get pissy or huffy around Dirk even if he didn’t always like him, the way he didn’t get into arguments if he asked him not to, the way he never questioned why Dave asked him not to do certain things like sneak up on him or surprise him or just go silent on him. He loved him so so much.

“Dave, come back to earth, fuckface. What do you want for dinner? Dirk is buying, apparently.” Karkat had his phone to his ear, looking down at Dave with a ‘what did you do’ face and Dave couldn’t help but cackle.

“Oh shit! Oh hell yeah, point Dave! Man, I don’t care what the fuck we get, this is a celebration! I was right! Dirk was wrong! I was right! Dirk was wrong!” He started chanting, just laughing when Karkat covered his mouth with his hand, telling Dirk to just get something spicy.

He loved his fiance but boy did he also love being right.

**Author's Note:**

> wrote all of this in one night so please excuse any bad parts  
> id love some constructive criticism, or like, weird facts that you know  
> follow my tumblr valerian-valentine-2 for updates and such as well as many posts about women


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